The following is a repost from the Let Your Voice Be Heard blog
Its 4:13am, and I’m sitting in front of this blank screen. If there is one thing that I know for sure, and that you will know in a word or two is this: I am in the “Friend Zone”. I tried to lie to myself and say that I could change the outcome, but I think it was clear from the outset that she only wanted one thing. I obliged by being the same person that I have always been. And in the end I am right where I have ended up on so many occasions. The Friend Zone.
My history with women has not been the greatest, I’ve had a run of bad luck starting from birth and running strong through my 22nd birthday. Sometimes they love me, sometimes they hate me, and on other occasions they see me as “The most awesome friend a girl could ever have”. Either way, I don’t seem to come out of this as the winner of many or any girl’s hearts. It’s a feeling that I have become very familiar with. I would give her every thing she wanted, adjust myself to fit the mold of a person that I thought she required, and just when things looked like they were heading in the right direction she would hit me with those dreaded words; “I only see you as a friend”. And for a long time, that was the worst thing that I could ever hear. It’s funny what a couple of years will do.
I wrote those two paragraphs when I was 22 years old and had just been rejected by another girl. After months of courting she let me know that she wasn’t interested by asking me to hook her up with a one of my friends. I remember how hurt and rejected I felt when that happened. I hated her and every single female that didn’t want me. They were too stupid to see the mistake that they were making, because they didn’t really know what they wanted. I spent a lot of days in my room listening to angry rap songs and brooding over this rejection. Frustrated that women who should have been all over me were going after guys that clearly didn’t give a crap about them. When I was done hating them, I went back to the old reliable, I hated myself. I hated the color of my skin, the way I spoke super fast and sometimes slurred my words, I hated that I couldn’t dance, and didn’t have the money to to dress as well as the other guys in my school, and then I mentally trashed the women who didn’t want me. Six years later I still believe the Friend Zone sucks, but I’ve learned a couple of things. I just thought I would share them with you.
- She Might be Making a Mistake, but it’s hers to make- I think what sucked the most about being told that I was only a friend, was that 8 out of 10 times that same girl would date a guy who she and I both knew would not give her what she wanted. More than likely he would give her everything she didn’t want and then some. But it was her choice to make, just because it makes sense for someone to be with you, doesn’t mean that they should or have to. When you really care about someone and not in that hallmark way. I’m talking about really care about someone and want them to be happy, you learn very quickly that there will be times when their decisions may not line up with what you think is right. But you concede because you respect them, resenting someone you claim to care about for making a decision that you don’t agree with is not only selfish, it’s also the opposite of what someone does when they really have good intentions.
- Take a Look in The Mirror (Who Are You?)– When I used to go after a girl I liked, I would go out of my way to find out what kind of guy she liked and try to fit that mold. It was very rare that I would come forward as just regular old Stan. In my mind that wasn’t good enough. But how do you expect someone to fall in love with an idea of who you are? It’s damn near impossible, and if you do happen to win someone over by playing a part. It can only last for so long, because the real you will eventually surface.
- Why Does Rejection Hurt- Rejection sucks, and we all deal with it in different ways. But resenting the person who rejected you just doesn’t work. A lot of the anger I felt when women rejected me was misunderstood. What I mean by that is I was inexperienced in understanding my own emotions, I have always been taught that real men were unfeeling. So when a girl I really liked rejected me, I would become really sad and a little depressed. Then years of being taught that I wasn’t supposed to feel would cause me to punish myself for being emotional, when I couldn’t control those emotions, instead of realizing that pain is ok, I would begin to resent the person who caused me that pain. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was hurt, so I would go to the easiest and “manliest emotion” anger. But anger solves nothing.
If you want to get over the Friend Zone, understand that it is nothing more than something you created. It’s a feeling, it’s rejection, and while it stinks it only has as much power as you give it. Stop being mad at her for not wanting you, and maybe you’ll find a great friend in yourself.
Stanley Fritz is the political writer/Editor-In-Chief for lyvbh.com. He is also the author of “Beautiful Problems” and the Engineer/Co-Host of “Let Your Voice Be Heard! Radio.”. Born and raised in East New York Brooklyn, Stanley is a proud Obama supporter who believes that education is the ultimate pathway to prosperity.